Fear of change is a natural response, but it can hold you back from living your best life. Learn about its causes and some strategies to overcome it.
“Most people choose to be unhappy rather than uncertain.”
A bold claim by author Tim Ferris, don’t you think? And yet, the fear of the unknown and fear of change are something we all have experienced.
Even if you’re quite the risk-taker, there are likely situations where you still hesitate on making changes. For most of us, however, change is scary more often than not. It’s uncomfortable. And yet, we seek it.
It’s paradoxical: we are scared of change, but we also desire it. Is there anything in your life you’d like to be different: a better job, eating healthier, feeling fitter, having a new car, getting more rest?
Achieving any of those requires change. And yet. And yet.
We suffer and complain about how things are but also allow fear to stop us from doing differently. Can you relate? Many times, we’d rather stay the same than face our fear of the unknown. Why?
Why are we so afraid of change?
Reasons We Fear Change
There are different reasons why we fear change and, as usual, many of them have to do with the brain and its tricks.
Fear of the unknown
The most obvious reason why we don’t like change is that change always involves leaning into the unknown.
Not knowing what will happen next (Will I get the job? Will the lab test results come out ok? Will I pass the exam?) produces anxiety and stress. In that state, we crawl back into our comfort zone, choosing to be “unhappy rather than uncertain.”
This is because the brain is like a certainty-seeking machine. It likes to stay within its comfortable walls, even if things are not so great there. In fact, we unconsciously prefer things we know well, and dislike those we don’t.
For the brain, uncertainty means danger, and research shows that it registers in the brain pretty much like an error. We are hardwired to hate it. If the brain doesn’t know what’s waiting around the corner, it can’t protect you from it, which is one of its basic functions.
When change is in sight, the message is clear: something is wrong. Get out.
“To change is to step into something new which means leaving all familiar areas of the mind and this is a shock on the nervous system for most people” – Dandapani
Fear of failure
Many times, we think we fear change when, in reality, we’re afraid of failure.
We’ve all been there: replaying in our heads all the ways in which things could go wrong, wondering what people are going to say, fearing we’re not good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough… This type of thinking can lead to extreme worry, stress, negative thoughts, and avoidance.
It can be paralyzing to the point of making us stay in a toxic situation rather than risking change and fail. Because, if we “fail”, then what? What’s left to do?
In this sense, the fear of failure is tied to the idea that there’s a finish line, and once we get there (get the job, the partner, the house) then we’ll be happy, The End (cue Disney music).
But the truth is life is mutating all the time. Changes come whether we embrace them or not.
If you “fail” -that is, if things go differently than you expected- life will go on. That’s not the end for you. It’s a new beginning.
Inner saboteur
The inner saboteur is that little voice in your head that says “don’t try, it’s not going to work,” “you’re not good enough,” etc. It’s the inner critic we all carry inside of us.
The most dangerous thing about it is that many times, it looks like a friend, and this is when we need to pay special attention.
Think about something you’re trying to change. The inner saboteur will give you the perfect excuse not to do it: “You worked so hard today, you deserve that glass of wine,” “The deadline is not until next week, you can deal with it tomorrow,” “Don’t beat yourself up for not going to the gym, you’ve been so busy,” “You can start the diet on Monday/after the summer/etc.”
The inner saboteur can take many forms: procrastination, negative self-talk, busyness, overeating, etc. Giving in to it delays or hinders your own success.
Sometimes it’s a bully, sometimes a comforting voice, and we need to be very aware of this little devil in disguise because it will do its best to stop us from making meaningful changes.
Emotional addiction
Did you know that not knowing what can happen is way more stressful than knowing for sure that something bad is going to happen? Uncertainty creates a really strong alert response in our limbic system.
So we keep repeating our familiar habit cycles and holding on to the old. When we do this over and over, neurons fire and wire, creating connections that strengthen those patterns of behavior. They become your autopilot.
If all you’ve ever known is perfectionism and insecurity, even when those emotions keep you stuck, they are your safe space. Letting go of them can be too scary and stress-provoking.
In other words, we are addicted to what we already know – the emotions and behaviors that feel familiar. And we’ll go back to them every time things get scary.
Fear of Change: Ways to Cope
Acceptance
The first step to navigate the emotions associated with change is to accept that they’re there and make room for them.
When people notice resistance or fear, they sometimes get mad at themselves or feel like they’re failing. But fearing change is what the brain is programmed to do. Getting mad at yourself for it is like getting mad at your heart beating or your blood flowing.
You cannot help those feelings and that’s ok. Accept there’s going to be discomfort, fear, and resistance. Pay attention to those emotions and lean toward them. This is where the journey begins.
Quiet the mind
A hyper-activated nervous system cannot cope with change. To be able to successfully navigate the waters of change, you need to calm your mind and gain some clarity.
Here are some tools that will help you better cope with change mentally and emotionally:
• Take regular breaks to wind down.
• Meditate (even 5 minutes a day will do).
• Practice mindrest (aka non-sleep deep rest [NSDR]).
• Take walks (it reduces amygdala activation).
• Do 5 minutes of deep belly breathing every day.
• Journal about your fears and feelings.
Practice being present in the moment
In the face of uncertainty and change, it’s normal to think of worst-case scenarios and get anxious about the future. But those habits take so much happiness out of our lives!
More often than not, we forget to pay attention to the present moment. We think that we’ll only enjoy life and be happy once we achieve this or that goal.
But life is not a series of goalposts and, in fact, reaching your goals won’t make you as happy as you think.
It is only when we learn to accept life’s transitions and stay grounded in the present that we’ll have peace. Life is a continuous journey with endless phases, and it’s meant to be lived and enjoyed now. There is no other moment.
All of the tools above will help you practice this attitude of presence and acceptance.
Focus on what you want
With a calm mind, you can now focus on what you do want and work toward it. What do you desire most and what do you desire now?
Notice I’m not talking about superficial pleasures, but about the desires that come from deep within. Let that be your North Star.
Oftentimes, the motivation for long-term gratification and achievements gets destroyed by the short-term pleasures. Play the long game. Let the desire for the new override the fear of change.
Here’s an exercise for you: Make two columns. In one column, write down your fears in red, and in the other, write the solution in green. Then burn the list in red. Keep the list of solutions close at hand. Read it often.
Reflect on past experiences
Think about everything you’ve achieved so far. And yes, you have, you’ve achieved so much!
Consider how, in the beginning, some of the things you do often and come easily were new and uncomfortable: studying a new subject at school, playing a sport or an instrument, riding a bike, or even tying your shoes!
I bet any of those was difficult and uncomfortable at some point, but you made it to the other side, and now they feel easy and effortless.
Reflecting on past successes can provide a huge boost of confidence and motivation for the road ahead. Try writing down a list of things you’ve mastered and keep it close at hand to remind yourself that you can do it.
Seek help
If you want to make meaningful changes in your life but find yourself overridden by strong emotions, seeking professional help can give you the support and tools you need.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are two useful approaches. A mental health professional can help you reframe some scary thoughts and work through the resistance to change. You’re not alone.
NOTE: There is an extreme version of the fear of change called metathesiophobia. Symptoms include high levels of self-doubt, paralyzingly low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, inability to adapt to new situations, and even panic attacks. If you identify with these, I encourage you to seek help from a mental health professional.
